Crime scene cleaner 2DVD - 2017 | German
From the critics
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Good morning, Lausen Cleaners. My name’s Schotte.
-Thank you for your sympathy.
Yes, I’m sorry for your loss.
-That already came across.
Did you speak with my supervisor?
-Yes, he promised me his best cleaner.
Well, I would say the best is here…
-Good, because I’m desperate, I fear. Come on, I’ll lead you in… since this is where you’ve never been. … No, hold your questions for a time! I’ll tell you something in a rhyme… about this house, the reason why, and I swear to you that I’m not high. See that bloodstain there? Please don’t just say, “Where?” A tragic curse haunts this villa… By the way, behind you is a gorilla. … Sorry, the gorilla I only invented, so this rhyme could be presented. Should a rhyme remain open at the end, upon you a curse will surely descend.
OK, got it, all right.
-You know I’m not doing this to spite! As long as this bloodstain lies in the way, this evil magic is here to stay.
-For the rhyme game, I had to play it. As to the question about the deceased? The only thing that rhymed was “priest.” If the word “bother” to the end of your sentence you could attach, then much better information I could dispatch.
Huh? I’m supposed to say “bother”…
-It’s my great-great-great-great grandfather.
So that means you’re not just anyone…
-I’m his great-great-great grandson!
And this stain is now how old?
-older than the dead’s been cold.
Older than… but that’s not very clear!
-For 200 years this stain has been here.
200? Why hasn’t anybody cleaned it before?
-They tried but stain stays on the floor. So far no one has managed to defeat the magic that lives in this country seat.
With amido-sulfonic acid I’ll wash it away!
-Please, I beg you, this curse can’t stay.
Well, then, I guess I better start cleaning.
-One more note, so you get my meaning.
One question, so I’m aware…
-Yes, because life is hardly fair. You shouldn’t stay out here all alone, or you’ll catch a bladder stone. I’ll lead the way and go on ahead, or you’ll get lost if you turn your head. I already told you about the curse on my forebear’s side, in a verse, and you probably thought I was nuts. Your name’s Schotte, are you a Klutz?
Am I a… what?
-That made no sense, let me rebut… I just needed a rhyme for “nuts.” First thing that came to mind was “Klutz.” I could’ve said “cold cuts” but Schotte seems more like a “Klutz.”
I think I’m feeling a little funny.
-Humorous, or is it your tummy?
-You… pig butt!
Did you just call me a pig butt?
-I said what?
Did you say I have a pig’s ass?
-Oh, is that a book by Gunter Grass?
Huh? Have you lost your mind?
-No. You’re still so very blind!
I have a question. Could it be, um, well, are you awake?
-I’d hardly be talking to you if I wasn’t.
That means presumably I’m awake, too.
-Yes, I think so since I’m talking to you right now.
Maybe I’m dreaming that. Too.
-If so, my phone wouldn’t have rung.
I could’ve dreamed that, too.
-But it rang for real!
So you say, but you can’t prove that either.
-Otherwise I wouldn’t have answered it!
Unless I was dreaming that, too!
-Why should you be dreaming about my phone ringing?
To ask you if I’m awake!
-But then you’d be asking me in a dream if you’re awake in real life, what the hell?
Aw, man, you’re no help.
-Don’t panic, please don’t disappear. I know exactly what you’d like to hear. Come on in and lend an ear. So, I’ll go on ahead… Or you’ll get lost… If I turned my head. So my great-great-great-great grandfather, before he deceased, well, he wasn’t exactly what you’d call a priest. To be a poet, that was his desire.
A wordsmith, rhymer, was his passion fire. He thought his rhyming was a tribute to a higher power, but his peers in admiration refused to cower. At his art, everyone would glower. He was tired of the constant criticism and he took his own life, to make them miss him. But before he took a plunge to death, he used his last remaining breath… And cried through his tears, “You assholes, ridiculing me for years! You shall all remember me! I’ll bring my vengeance against thee! From now on, this place is cursed! Anyone in this house must, unrehearsed, speak in rhyme unending or else… to wounds they’ll be tending.” At this point I can never think of anything better. The main thing is to follow the rules to the letter. If you don’t close half a rhyme, you will experience a reversal of time. So, now you know how this all goes… You must speak in rhyme, not prose.
Or you’ll never be free.
I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m getting fed up, without a doubt!
It’s OK, I’ll go on ahead. I won’t get lost, even if I turn my head! And that cursed stain on the floor… In 30 minutes, it won’t be there anymore! I’m the crime scene cleaner… At cleaning corpses, no one is meaner! I’m the scourge of all stains that remain, I clean snails off rails… Maggots, cockroaches and worms vacate the corpse on my terms! I’m the guy with trash bags who cleans moldy dishes with rags, bloodstained walls and ceilings… No filth can escape my cleanings! I’m the crime scene cleaner, I’m the cleaning king! Where others pass in horror, my work is only beginning!
-Wow… My compliments to you, such good rhyming you can do!
Well, I have to confess, I came up with that a long time ago… I started with the snails, then rails, and I made a sort of ballad out of it, about crime scene cleaning. I recited it at my cousin’s wedding. I thought she’d like it, since she asked me to… Am I outside again?
-Whoever breaks the rhyme chain ring…
Well, then I won’t say anuthing!
-If only it were that easy. This may sound cheesy, but don’t try it in recalcitrance. It will have the same consequence.
But I don’t believe in this magic curse!
-It believes in you, so you must verse.
You know someone’s rotting in this gutter?
-A mailman… They say he had a stutter. So, let’s not waste any more time. The good thing is, we’re two to rhyme. For example you say, “It’s a nice day.” Then I go, “Nice people are they!” So one response from you to me, while going through the rhymes, you see? But never end a sentence with “human,” there’s no good rhyme for that one. (woman in English but fräulein in German)
So, for “human” there is no rhyme?
-No, “human” stands alone this time. But be informed of one more rule. You’ve made five mistakes already, fool. If a sixth mistake were to join the queue, the curse would send you to Makalu.
I thought the seventh brought the curse?
-Brussels changed it, for the worse.
We’re having nice weather today.
-And the people are nicer that way.
Today we have very nice weather!
-And the people are feeling better!
That’s… because of the weather.
-Yes! With nice weather, the people feel better.
And today we have very nice weather!
-Nice weather makes me feel much better.
For me, that entirely depends on the weather.
-Oh, when do you feel better?
In nice weather.
-Yes, nice weather is much better.
One should be better in any weather.
-In better weather, even the nice are better.
Even better-looking ones are better in better weather.
-Even the weather is better in nice weather…
Even in rainy weather!
-Especially then, it’s just wetter. It’s better when no one complains about the weather!
Yes, then everyone is better!
-Better weather is even wetter!
Yes, then everyone is better! Better weather is even wetter!
-We’re stuck at weather-better.
Or I could say: better weather.
-So… tell me about your cousin.
He’s dead. He was a nice one.
-Oh, I’m very sorry, your poor cousin.
And his dog was also a nice one.
-Surly, he was an Irish setter?
No, he was a little one, a dachshund… setter!
- Dachshund-Setters are like Irish setters.
Only smaller and much better. And in any weather, my cousin walked his dachshund-setter. He himself had a cousin as well as a setter, his name was Peter. And one night, Peter saw my cousin’s dachshund-setter, and he ran off in stormy weather after the dachshund-setter. And a bus came and hit them and that was it, then.
-Oh, how fast misfortune falls!
Yes, it sucks balls.
-I’m still happy about the nice weather.
What, you think your own cousin’s better?
-Also dead, also liked the weather. Also had a dachshund-setter. That’s a coincidence, altogether. He also went, in any weather, outside with his dachshund-setter. This is getting better. And the dachshund-cousin of the dachshund-setter…
Next you’ll say his name was Peter!
-No, I won’t, his name was… Fretter.
This is getter better and better… No dog in the world is named Fretter!
-Neither is a dachshund-setter!
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